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I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy; and it makes me feel ugly. [entries|friends|calendar]
Kel

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last night was awesome! [10 Dec 2006|02:26pm]
[ mood | happy ]

so my parents threw me a goodbye party last night, it was a total surprise... a lot of people came, and it was just sooooo special... i had been feeling depressed lately, and like nobody actually likes me... so it was really nice, and it meant soo much that a lot of people came...
it was sooo much fun.. well besides certain people being rude as hell and making other comments to a certain friend of mine....
anyways, we went to the bar afterward, and of course drank a whole lot... and i was already fucked up at the party, thanks to steph! i love you! hehe
anyways, im supposed to be visiting right now, so i should go..
just wanted to thank everyone for coming!

14 comments|post comment

[29 Nov 2006|07:01pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

wow, its only been like a few days since ive been on here, and it feels like everyone is fucking going crazy... so, maybe i should not pay any attention to it all?!

7 comments|post comment

drama drama drama [24 Nov 2006|04:06pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

so, im at my sisters, and finally get the chance to use her computer... thanksgiving was good, good food, good people.. blah de blah...
felt bad for shaun tho, cuz his moms a couple states away and couldnt be here for it.. also his grandma and grandpa couldnt be here either...
talking more and more about the move to north carolina, and the more i talk about it, the more depressed i seem to get... his family is just so different from mine, and i am just going to have to change and adapt sooo much..
for example, this isnt like a huge deal, but its an example... for thanksgiving in his family they cant eat anything until it is all done and set on the table.. and they all eat at the table together... in my family, we always went to my sisters, and you could eat anything the second that its done... and you dont get yelled at for it... and when its finally time to eat, we all sit in the living room, relax and watch tv... this is ideal for me.. im not a big fan of the big dinners, with the family all sitting together... but that is just me... like i said, its something really small, but just for an example i guess...
i also just think that his mom looks at me like i am not good enough for her son... i know this is a typical mother-in-law thing, but after so long, you figure that its suppose to go away.. but i dont think it really has... i know that she has grudges against me, and that will never go away either... it just sucks that i have to uproot my whole life to move with a family that i dont even get along with much, or cant stand being around them for long periods of time... and not to mention we are going to be living on the same property as them... its not like we will be next door or anything, but ill still prolly have to see them everyday... blah!!!!!
there seems to be so much drama going on with all my friends, and i am getting soooo sick of it.. either someone takes something said or written the wrong way, or cant stand not being the center of attention.. whatever it is, its obnoxious and annoying as hell...
oh yeh, and i am also sick of people making me feel like i am an inadequate mother, or i dont know what im talking about... i know what is best for my son, not you... since he has been born ive had to deal with other people that have been mothers longer than me, telling me that i am wrong on some sort of issue.. and yes, i admit that i make mistakes... but you shouldnt point out everything you think i do is wrong.. its totally inappropiate.. i need to remind myself never do that to another human being EVER!
just because someone has more experience with raising a child does not make them a better mother or a know-it-all...
ok, now that i have expressed everything on my mind, its time to go...

12 comments|post comment

so much BS [15 Nov 2006|04:38pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

so today is for sure the last day i will be able to get on here for awhile.. unless my sister has the internet still... ::prays::
there has been so much going on lately, where to start?
well, the room we had been staying at in my parents house had mold growing all on the walls... and the baby kept getting sick, and wasnt getting worse.. so we had to move to the downstairs bedroom... and i just have wayyy too many bad memories in that damn room.. but i guess i just have to deal with it... today is just a really bad day.. so many things going through my head, and i just cant get rid of all the damn memories...
my mom is driving me nuts lately.. now i remember why i hated living there so much.. she is just so psycho.. im constantly helping out around the house, and if i dont do it when she asks me to, she freaks out and keeps asking me until i do it.. sorry, but i get my bursts of energy at night, not in the middle of the day... my grandpa was in the hospital with a concussion, and just got out.. so she wanted to take dinner over there.. it just irritates me, because she complains how they dont even have enough money to buy enough food for us, but she is constantly taking food over there.. not to mention that i pay for food there too.. and its not like they ever come and visit us, or bring us food, or invite us over for dinner... or what about all those times my mom is deathly ill from her allergies, or when she had knee surgery? did any of them come over to help out? no, of course not...
my sister is pregnant again, and getting another abortion on friday... dont know what to think or how to feel...i understand why she is doing it, i just hate how that is her method of birth control.. i mean, this is going to be her fifth abortion... im totally pro-choice, but that is getting a little out of hand....
guess ill go now...

2 comments|post comment

[06 Nov 2006|06:33pm]
[ mood | confused ]

i dont have much time to be on here, and prolly wont be online for very long time... but that whole moving to north carolina thing is gonna happen much more sooner than i thought... prolly by the middle of january... i just dont know what to think anymore.. there are certain things im looking forward to when it comes down to it, but at the same time, there are so many things im not looking forward to, that it makes it sooo confusing.. i mean, i know i basically dont have a choice whether i want to go or not, and maybe thats what makes it so damn hard... then again, the big reason why i didnt want to move was because of all my family and friends... but im gonna talk my sister into moving down there, and then my parents too.. that will be no problem... and when it comes down to it, i dont really have many friends, and even less that i see... nobody really calls me anymore, or seems very interested in seeing me.. and i am just so sick being the one calling all the time, or the one that seems to care whether i see people... god, i feel like ive made that saying in so many posts... anyways, i should prolly go...

13 comments|post comment

i actually am online!! [20 Oct 2006|02:01pm]
ok, so i can only check livejournal, once in a great while, and ive noticed not too many people use it anymore... wtf happend since ive been able to get online..
things are weird lately... so much going on, i just cant handle it anymore..
im at shauns moms house, and his grandma is probably gonna die while we are here... i was shocked when i walked in the door... she already looks dead... i cant handle it, ive never been around ANYthing like this before..
shaun stopped getting his unemployment checks, so we are just trying to live off of mine... i was gonna dress up for halloween, cuz i borrowed money from my sis, but i keep thinking of all the things it could be better used for.. so there goes halloween.. ill prolly just go and see saw 2 that night, and call it a holiday... woo hoo for me...
my doctor is messing with my meds again, and upped the dosage for one of them, and cut the other in half... its kinda obnoxious...
2 comments|post comment

hahahaha [16 Sep 2006|04:42pm]
[ mood | awake ]

today is gonna be a good day.. i can just feel it... i guess that also has to do with the fact that it already is a good day... i think me and shaun are gonna go out tonight with steph and a few other people.. should be a good time.. lets hope i dont get so drunk that i throw up 10+ times...
except for today, ive been doing really crappy lately... my depression has been just bad... laying in bed, not being able to crawl out... shitty moods... fighting... blah!
but i dont want to talk about that right now, im in a good mood...
i dont think ill be staying the night at shauns moms anymore, which makes me sooooo happy.. i just cant handle it anymore... ive mostly been staying at my moms anyways..
my trip is coming up, next saturday in fact... and i am sooooo excited! i just can NOT wait! plus i really miss my aunt, and i miss cher, and this trip includes both of em! how much better can it get? two people i miss like crazy, cemetaries and a tour through a mental hospital as well... how awesome is that? oh yeh, and dont forget to include the road trip, which those are always fun, as long as your with the right people..
well, im gonna go and finish watching the michigan game!

8 comments|post comment

[16 Sep 2006|04:29pm]
[ mood | amused ]

1. Where were you 1 hour ago?
watching the beggining of the michigan game

2. Who will be your next kiss?
the baby or shaun

3. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
a johnsons and johnsons lotion bottle

4. When is the last time you went to the mall?
like a month ago maybe?

5. Are you wearing socks right now?
yeh, a black pair with kitties on the ankles

6. When was the last time you went out of the state?
same as cher... july 5, went to toronto

7. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
nope

8. What was the last thing you had to drink?
water

9. What are you wearing right now?
grey t-shirt, jeans, socks and shoes...

10. What was your last purchase?
diapers and coffee cream for my mom

11. Last food you ate?
taco bell

12. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
umm, aj?

13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
nope, wish i could tho

14. Do you have a pet?
umm, not really.. i live in a house with a dog, but thats it...

15. What's the last sporting event you watched?
football, watching it right now..

16. What is your favorite class?
psychology and sociology

17. If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?
in athens ohio at cemetaries and mental hospitals... oh will saturday ever get here?

18. What is the last thing you purchased online?
cant remember...

19. How old are your parents?
umm, i dont know, they dont celebrate birthdays... like 46, and 44 or something?

20. What's your favorite soup?
"Tomato with elbow noodles and mega amounts of garlic." sounds good cher, when shall we set a date?

21. Do you miss anyone?
of course i do... i miss cher, amber, and paula

22. Last play you saw?
god, prolly something in high school that audrey was in..

23. What are your plans for the day?
go out tonight, maybe with steph... spend time with the baby, maybe put him in his pool.. an spend some time with shaun..

24. Who is the last person you messaged on myspace?
dont have myspace anymore :(

25. Ever go to camp?
nope, but ive always wanted to

26. Were you an honor roll student in school?
haha, i agree with cher, in elementary...

27. What do you know about the future?
pshh, i dont know.. hopefully ill still be living on earth...

28. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
nope.. but usually i wear this coconut lime lotion, and its strong enough to be considered perfume... its yummy!

30. Where is your best friend located?
wixom and livonia

31. Do you have a tan?
haha, never!

32. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
well, i had a baby at 20... as soon as we get a house i want to have another baby.. id have one now if i could...

33. Do you collect anything?
change?

34. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
a tongue piercing, and an eyebrow piercing... i would like to get a tattoo eventually tho

35. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
duh! i eat fast food often

36. How do you like your soda?
glass bottle is the best way

37. Do you like hot sauce?
franks red hot sauce... but you cant over-do it

38. Last time you took a shower ?
yesterday

39. Who do you like?
this sexy man sitting across the room from me, with a semi-fro <3

40. What is your mood?
im in a really good mood today, and so is shaun.. so maybe it will be a really good day!

41. Are you someone's best friend?
id damn well hope so!

42. What's the last TV show you watched?
umm, prolly friends or that 70's show

6 comments|post comment

[03 Sep 2006|10:29pm]
[ mood | amused ]

god, i keep trying to think of things to post about, but nothing remotely interesting has been happening... i stayed at my parents for a few days, and im back at shauns... been missing him and the internet...
my parents have like no money, so i had to buy my brother school clothes, which means that i am now broke.. but thats ok because i dont have many bills to pay.. i love being able to help that out as much as possible, and i know they really appreciate it..
went out friday with steph, my sister, and shaun.. it was a blast, but i got sooo drunk... lets see, i had a rum and coke to start out with, then i think i had three yager bombs, plus two shots of yager, and then some more shots that the shot girl brought around... hey, they were free, so what the hell.. i fell in love with a stripper there... lol, not really.. but she was sooo gorgeous... she had these amazing eyes, and the longest hair EVER...
i have so much bothering me right now, but i dont even want to begin going on about it..
on the other hand, im reading this book called "the glass house." its amazing, and everyone should read it!

6 comments|post comment

woo hoo [01 Sep 2006|06:05pm]
[ mood | amused ]

going out with steph tonight for her birthday, i hope everything goes well and we all have a good time.. although i did hope that amber could go, but i dont think she can..
i went to hegira today, and the lady helped me re-file for medicaid since it got cancelled..those fuckers...
plus, she is gonna hook me up with free meds, so i dont run out before medicaid cuts in..
well, baby is crying.. guess that means i have to get off here...

3 comments|post comment

[20 Aug 2006|03:08pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

you would figure since i dont get on here and update more, that i would have something to say? well something of importence anyways...
went ghosthunting friday with paula and brian, and some other couple.. went to soop cemetary... its a really nice cemetary, there was a lot of old tombstones, one of which was a witch that was murdered for being accused.. we were supposed to go to two other cemetaries and go to a hospital (cant say which one), but brian got really sick... im so worried about it.. he has three major things wrong with him, and all of them are pretty damn serious...
we are talking about going to athens ohio september 23... supposedly there is a university there, and there are 5 cemetaries that form a pentagram around it.. there is also a mental hospital there that they do tours through... so im really hoping that we are going... /crossesfingers...
we got a flat tire today on the way back from breakfast.. figures! geez..
went to jcpenneys yesterday, and it was awesome.. i got a pair of jeans for $10, a really cute shirt for $7, and super cute sunglasses for $10... i looooove jcpenneys...
everybody in the world is in love with my child.. we take him anywhere, and people fall all over themselves for him... its so awesome!
gotta run!
ps, its a super nice day outside.. i need to go and do something!

8 comments|post comment

fill it out!!!!!!!! [04 Aug 2006|05:42pm]
1. Do we know each other outside of LiveJournal?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
7 comments|post comment

woo hoo!!!!!!!!! [04 Aug 2006|12:15pm]
[ mood | awake ]

im getting contacts today!!!!!!!!!!

thats all i have to say

5 comments|post comment

this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [02 Aug 2006|06:34pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

ugh, a lot of things on this computer are blocked... like for instance, myspace... i can log in, and look at peoples profiles.. thats it! and im getting soooo frustrated!
in other news, i started my meds, and went to therapy today... woo fucking hoo... i like my therapist tho.. she is younger, prolly around mid 20s.. and she actually reads the file, instead of asking me the same questions over and over.. and she actually listens to me, and doesnt downgrade me on the things that i say.. which, is what every therapist should do, but they dont... and also, i dont have to go every week, which is another weird thing.. a lot of places will make you come every week, which is ridiculous.. i can go once a month, if thats what i want... so, lets hope i can keep the motivation to keep going this time..
the psychiatrist diagnosed me with depressive bipolar, which is nothing new... ive been diagnosed that more than a few times... i just didnt always agree with it, but i talked to my therapist about it, and she explained it to me... basically, i have highs and lows.. just some people with bipolar dont have the extreme highs like spending all your paycheck in one night, or cleaning like crazy, things like that... my high is just what a "normal" person feels... plus, he also looked at how im always starting and stopping meds on my own, which i guess a lot of people with bipolar do...
so, i guess its a relief to know that my diagnosis does fit me and makes sense, and maybe i can start working on making my life a little better...

3 comments|post comment

me with black hair... [01 Aug 2006|09:26pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i finally got the pics!!!!!!!!
Read more...Collapse )

7 comments|post comment

hotttt [31 Jul 2006|02:07pm]
[ mood | hot ]

we still dont have a place of our own, but i dont think that we are in much of a rush.. i know shaun needs to be here to help take care of his grandma.. she cant walk or hold herself up, i guess her legs are really weak... so he has to lift her off the hospital bed and onto the portable potty... its actually quite sad to watch someone die like this.. and ive grown to like her and care for her so much, its gonna hurt... its just amazing to watch how shaun treats his grandma... ive never seen a man treat anyone with that much respect or courtesy or love... watching him being so patient with her, or helping her out in anyway, or just being there for her, makes me fall in love all over again..
the baby is getting bigger everyday... he likes to talk now, and i swear ive heard him say "dada" and "mama." i just cant believe how much he has grown, and also how much my love for him has grown, and i didnt even know that it was possible for it to grow more..
he loves to play with my hair, its his new infactuation... he'll be all nice and gentle and run his fingers through it, and then all of a sudden get a death grab on it, and pull as hard as he can.. it hurts, but its cute at the same time..
i have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and then my therapist appointment the following day... figures, its gonna be sooo hott tomorrow, im tempted to re-schedule...
window air conditioners just dont do any justice in this kind of heat, and i am DYING!

7 comments|post comment

thanks to shane.... [18 Jul 2006|10:09am]
[ mood | calm ]

1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'4"

2. Have you ever been cheated on?
not that i know of

3. Do you own a gun?
no! im so against them! at least me owning one anyways

4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be?
i do have a mental disorder.. a few of em... bipolar, anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder

5. How many letters are in your crush's name?
five

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
they are delicious when they have a bunch of ketchup, a tad of mustard and red onions... mmmmmm

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
greensleeves

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
orange juice

9. Do you do push-ups?
i can, but prefer not to

10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
nope, but i would like to at least try it

11. Do you like DisneyWorld?
never been, but im going to be planning a trip there

12. Do you like the rain?
yes, i looove the smell

13.Do you own a knife?
of course

14. What do you smell like?
garnier fructose shampoo?

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
i think everyone does... just some worse than otheres

16. Full initials?
KLP

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
1. i should check on the baby
2. i need to eat
3. im bored

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today.
its 10 am, your lucky im awake at this time

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink.
1. water
2. pop
3. orange juice
4. water
5. water

20. What time did you wake up today?
8 am

21. Can you spell?
yeh, im pretty good at it too

22. Current worry?
im worried about shauns brother aj... he had a court date today, and might be going to jail.. oh well, he brought it upon himself

23. Current hate?
i agree with shane, definetly money

24. Favorite place to be?
in bed, cuddled with the baby and shaun...

25. Least favorite place to be?
cant think of one

26. Where do you want to go?
back to niagra falls when i have some money, or on another road trip

27. Do you own slippers?
nope

28. Where do you think you will be in 10 years?
prolly living in north carolina, married with at least one more child

29. Do you burn or tan?
BURN

30. Yellow or blue?
blue

31. Would you give up your current life to be a pirate?
LoL, umm, not so much.. although i do love me some rum!

32.Last time your cell rang?
does receiving a text message count, then yesterday from steph

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
i dont sing in the shower

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
a monster living under the bed.. i still have to sleep with my feet covered at night.. somehow i think if my feet are covered that im safe.. im such a dork

35. What's in your pockets right now?
no pockets cuz im in pj pants

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
prolly something silly shaun did... or maybe something cute the baby did

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
i dont remember

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
i had a hairline fracture when i was like 13 or 14... i was standing on the toilet seat trying to get something out of the cabinet on the top shelf, and the toilet seat wasnt screwed down very tight, and it moved and i fell backwards, and to break my fall, i landed on my hand...

39. What is your GPA?
when i was in college it was a 4.0

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
well, depends on where im staying for the night.. if its at shauns moms house, there is three... if im at my moms, its four

41. Who is your loudest friend?
prolly shaun

42. Who is your most silent friend?
cher

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
id hope so

44. Do you wish on stars?
naw

46. What song did you last hear?
some 70's song on the infomercial me, shauns mom, and his grandma were watching.. i want those cds!

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
i dont want a funeral.. i hate funerals and i think they are pointless.. at least for me anyways

49. What were you doing 12AM last night??
sitting in shauns moms room with shaun, his mom and paul, talking about the court date today

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
just being nervous about the court date

2 comments|post comment

[08 Jul 2006|02:10pm]
ok so now that i am fully aware of certain situations that are going on, they seem so unbelievably petty... i think from now on, with the exception of one person (and she should know who she is), that im going to close myself off to my friends... im done with everything... im done with the drama, im done with caring if i hurt someones feelings, because people just dont seem to care if my feelings are hurt... and im done trying to make people happy.. i need to make myself happy, and thats something that ive never even tried to do before toronto.. and look at what happend when i did try to make myself happy, it blows up in my fucking face.... so if there are people that cant understand this, then whatever, im not even gonna try to explain myself anymore..
im also sick of stuff being posted in a livejournal entry that is about me, but is so roundabout, you have no idea whats going on.. its immature, and im sick of it...
so i think for a long time, i am done with livejournal.. no more posting or replying to other peoples post or comments... it'll be like i am invisible.. which is ironic, since thats how i am treated a lot of the time behind my back...
4 comments|post comment

toronto [07 Jul 2006|07:07pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

well, i had a blast, unlike other people i guess... i tried to make the trip as fun as possible for myself, and it actually worked... i enjoyed being at the concert, even if it was for other reasons than the main bands that were there... im really happy i went, and thank you to the people that pitched in and made it possible for me to go... walking through toronto at night, being all emotional with amber was awesome..
all the drama that is left over from the trip, i just dont even care about anymore... all i know is that my dad is losing his job, so my parents are basically fucked.. and because im living there, im fucked too...
what a wonderful thing to come back to... it just feels like everyone is pissed at me.. well everyone besides steph... i just dont even care anymore...

8 comments|post comment

urgh [30 Jun 2006|06:42pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

im so depressed lately, i just dont know what to do.. im so sick of our situation... we get no alone time, so of course that leads to no sex life whatsoever... which doesnt help with me being bitchy all the time, and him being an ass..
i went with my sister to the bar last night.. i love my sister, but i hate being around her... compared to me, she is so beautiful... and its not like i wanted men to hit on me, or that i was jealous that i wasnt getting hit on, but its hard to be around someone like that... especially since your whole life you were skinnier and prettier than her, and then all of a sudden, its the other way around.. it really has nothing to do with her, its just me.. my own insecurities... i love food too much to try and give up the good stuff... so i dont know..
otherwise, ive been trying to get over and see my grandmother, but shes really sick and in pain every single day.. so she keeps telling me tomorrow, tomorrow, or tomorrow... i know shes dying, and ill be surprised if shes around past a month..
then there is shauns grandma, who is basically going through the same thing.. dying a slow death from cancer eating at her body... so both of them are in pain constantly, cant take care of themselves... i just dont know, but i can handle being around this much disease...
well, gotta run...

12 comments|post comment

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